Pandi

I had purpose in resurrecting the blogging of our life earlier this week.  I was so excited to tell you all (and the interwebs) about our exciting news that we were expecting a baby around Christmas.  We were waiting until Monday, May 19th to share the news because we didn't know how far along I was and, honestly, I felt foolish for not knowing.  We had a negative pregnancy test on April 2nd and a positive one on Easter, April 20th.  I had a high HCG blood test on April 27th indicating a nice, healthy progression of pregnancy.  By Monday, we figured realistically I was probably 7-8 weeks along but were hoping that I was 12 weeks or more because that's how big my belly felt and showed.  So on Monday, Eddie, Shep, and I went in with hopeful hearts but quickly saw that there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound.  In fact, the embryo was 7.2 weeks along.  We should have be able to see a heartbeat at 6 weeks.  It is impossible to tell on the ultrasound when or how the baby died and I think of all the possibilities: was it the kombucha that I drank, the hard runs up the mountains, the flight to Seattle, the pesticides from the park, a tight backbacking belt, my hair dye???  Maybe, but probably not any of these.  Usually miscarriages are from a chromosomal abnormality in the beginning stages of formation.  Somehow the body recognizes the mixup and won't progress with the pregnancy.   At this point, my body hasn't recognized the mixup, just that the baby didn't survive it.  I assume sometime this week or the next, my body will start cramping and I'll pass the "contents of conception." What a terrible term.  I'm dreading the empty feeling in the pit of my belly when she passes.

We were so excited to have another baby.  We considered this conception just as much as a miracle as Shepherd's conception was due to my inconsistency in ovulation. Now, we are just plain sad.  The news is just so abrupt.  We had the usual anxiety of the possibility of something going wrong, but still were so hopeful for everything to go right.  We had a month to get excited and dream about how the pregnancy would go, how life would be with another child, put names on the list and take names off, of how Shep would be an amazing big brother and how perfect the timing was of another child.  We were asking God what kind of destiny the child would have and what we should start praying for its life. I had wanted another boy, but God already did a number on my heart and made me excited for a girl.  We already assumed she was a girl and gave her a fetal name: Pandi.  Plumpers and Pandi.  I had recently seen a picture of a litter of baby Pandas and became obsessed.  I had considered buying a dress for her.  Ridiculous, I know, but we were just so excited.  I still might buy her a dress, a tangible memento.  Maybe one with a Panda on it.  I regret not asking for a picture of the ultrasound just to have something to touch since we'll never hold her in our arms.

Grief is a weird thing; it just hits you out of nowhere.  I'll be working all day, smiling with patients, and then wham!  Tears flow when I think about how much I miss her already.  Or we'll be laughing with Shep, splashing in the tub, and then wham! I remember that we're now picturing the summer without her.  Or that we're not thinking about juggling the holidays so that we're not traveling to Indy near my due date.  And then there's the guilt of imagining a fun summer without her: margaritas, running the 17 mile mountain race in June, beers and Shandies,  a babymoon vacation, Eddie studying for the GMAT and maybe starting his MBA in January (fun, right?!).  

I know miscarriage is common and everyone responds uniquely.  We also have our own response and have appreciated family support/phone calls/texts.  Though sometimes we feel alone out here in Utah, we do not  feel alone these days.  We feel the nearness of Christ in his comfort at times.  We have no doubt that God is good always and that sometimes we don't understand the purpose in these things.  But yet we trust him.  The song "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" where it reminds us that "He gives and takes away" feels a bit real right now though I'm not so sure about the theology of God taking away good things-could be the work of the enemy, but that's a different post for another time.  For now, we just hold each other and with each day, feel a little more reprieve from the sadness.  And, if it were possible, a bit more thankful for the miracle of Shepherd in our life.