Pandi

I had purpose in resurrecting the blogging of our life earlier this week.  I was so excited to tell you all (and the interwebs) about our exciting news that we were expecting a baby around Christmas.  We were waiting until Monday, May 19th to share the news because we didn't know how far along I was and, honestly, I felt foolish for not knowing.  We had a negative pregnancy test on April 2nd and a positive one on Easter, April 20th.  I had a high HCG blood test on April 27th indicating a nice, healthy progression of pregnancy.  By Monday, we figured realistically I was probably 7-8 weeks along but were hoping that I was 12 weeks or more because that's how big my belly felt and showed.  So on Monday, Eddie, Shep, and I went in with hopeful hearts but quickly saw that there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound.  In fact, the embryo was 7.2 weeks along.  We should have be able to see a heartbeat at 6 weeks.  It is impossible to tell on the ultrasound when or how the baby died and I think of all the possibilities: was it the kombucha that I drank, the hard runs up the mountains, the flight to Seattle, the pesticides from the park, a tight backbacking belt, my hair dye???  Maybe, but probably not any of these.  Usually miscarriages are from a chromosomal abnormality in the beginning stages of formation.  Somehow the body recognizes the mixup and won't progress with the pregnancy.   At this point, my body hasn't recognized the mixup, just that the baby didn't survive it.  I assume sometime this week or the next, my body will start cramping and I'll pass the "contents of conception." What a terrible term.  I'm dreading the empty feeling in the pit of my belly when she passes.

We were so excited to have another baby.  We considered this conception just as much as a miracle as Shepherd's conception was due to my inconsistency in ovulation. Now, we are just plain sad.  The news is just so abrupt.  We had the usual anxiety of the possibility of something going wrong, but still were so hopeful for everything to go right.  We had a month to get excited and dream about how the pregnancy would go, how life would be with another child, put names on the list and take names off, of how Shep would be an amazing big brother and how perfect the timing was of another child.  We were asking God what kind of destiny the child would have and what we should start praying for its life. I had wanted another boy, but God already did a number on my heart and made me excited for a girl.  We already assumed she was a girl and gave her a fetal name: Pandi.  Plumpers and Pandi.  I had recently seen a picture of a litter of baby Pandas and became obsessed.  I had considered buying a dress for her.  Ridiculous, I know, but we were just so excited.  I still might buy her a dress, a tangible memento.  Maybe one with a Panda on it.  I regret not asking for a picture of the ultrasound just to have something to touch since we'll never hold her in our arms.

Grief is a weird thing; it just hits you out of nowhere.  I'll be working all day, smiling with patients, and then wham!  Tears flow when I think about how much I miss her already.  Or we'll be laughing with Shep, splashing in the tub, and then wham! I remember that we're now picturing the summer without her.  Or that we're not thinking about juggling the holidays so that we're not traveling to Indy near my due date.  And then there's the guilt of imagining a fun summer without her: margaritas, running the 17 mile mountain race in June, beers and Shandies,  a babymoon vacation, Eddie studying for the GMAT and maybe starting his MBA in January (fun, right?!).  

I know miscarriage is common and everyone responds uniquely.  We also have our own response and have appreciated family support/phone calls/texts.  Though sometimes we feel alone out here in Utah, we do not  feel alone these days.  We feel the nearness of Christ in his comfort at times.  We have no doubt that God is good always and that sometimes we don't understand the purpose in these things.  But yet we trust him.  The song "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" where it reminds us that "He gives and takes away" feels a bit real right now though I'm not so sure about the theology of God taking away good things-could be the work of the enemy, but that's a different post for another time.  For now, we just hold each other and with each day, feel a little more reprieve from the sadness.  And, if it were possible, a bit more thankful for the miracle of Shepherd in our life.

It's been forever!

I have been majorly slacking on the blog thingy, but am going to make an attempt to resurface.  My excuses are abundant:  When Shep naps and I have a free second...
-It is beautiful outside and my garden needed planting.  It is already popping up and we have already harvested several salads worth of spinach, lettuce, and cilantro.  Tonight, I'm planning on making a dish from Williams-Sonoma with sausage, orecchiette pasta, and broccoli rabe from the garden!  Today, I transplanted and spread out all the garlic that had proliferated over the winter, transplanted the strawberry plant that we left for dead but recently was resurrected, and transplanted a daffodil from Willie's digging ground.  Oh and I watered all of the gardens which is a bit time consuming because they are all spread out and we only have the one water spicket in front.  There is still more to be planted: more tomatoes to be transplanted, some more squash to be planted, and maybe create a squash garden on the outside of our current garden, as long as Willie doesn't make it his litter box.
- Cook. On my days off, I find rest, comfort, and a sense of accomplishment when I cook something.  That includes baking to meet the needs of our raging sweet tooth (teeth?).
- Putz on the computer, including answering emails, paying bills, and clipping coupons.
- Read my bible or Kairos homework.  Kairos is the name of the missions class that we are participating in through our church The Fellowship.  We love it and love getting to know our classmates.
-Clean is at the bottom of the list, but I try to clean at least one thing, usually the floors.

When Shep is awake, we have a blast!  We play outside A LOT.  He loves to pull off dandelion heads, play with any kind of tool he can get his hands on, and run his hands through the water stream as I'm watering plants.  He follows us around the yard at his own pace.  Yesterday, he helped Dad pick up all the sticks from where he chopped down the dead tree.  Daily, there are lots of falls and scrapes and pokes that need a Momma's kiss to dry the tears, but thankfully Shep becomes interested in the next thing instantaneously.

The thing that is most exciting to me is that he signed the other day!!  We have been using the sign for "more" for many many months and he repeated it at the appropriate time! He wanted more beef brisket.  Such a Texas boy.  I feel like he is growing up so fast.  He is much more of a little boy instead of a baby with each passing day.  I'm so thankful for each day that I get with him- not wishing that time would slow down or speed up.  Just enjoying each moment.  And I still love watching Eddie interact with him.  He is truly a great Dad.

Durango, CO

Eddie had a 4 day weekend so we spent one day buying a car (a 2006 Pontiac Vibe) and the next road tripping in our new ride. We decided on Durango/ Silverton area. We stayed at an AirBnB place that was awesome. Such a sweet family with so much wisdom and character. We enjoyed deep spiritual conversation and a lesson on St. Patrick.  And we slept in the most comfortable bed I have EVER slept in my life.  We toured the Main Street of Durango and ate pub grub and had local brews. The next day we lounged around in the am and then heard to Molinas Pass for a beautiful day of snow shoeing.  The next day, on our way out of town, we stopped at Mesa Verde to tour the Ancient Pueblo cliff dwellings. It was just as cool as I remembered it from our family vaca when I was a wee lass.  We decided we would need a return trip in order to truly take in all the Native American history and culture. Our tour guide David gave us the name of a guy that we should look up if ever we wanted to truly experience Native culture during the bean festival each February.  Someday, yes. 

Health Review

I just wanted to do a little review on health/weight loss/healthy eating since I plan on counseling many people over the years as a provider and healthcare advocate.  and I wanted to solidify my own resources on paper, er, computer.

Basic metabolic rate: Your body's energy needs to maintain current weight.  Usually this is calculated when resting or upon waking.  We calculate this to determine how many calories your body needs to maintain weight and also to lose weight.

3500 calories = 1 pound.
3500 divided by 7 days in a week = 500 calories per day.  If you want to lose 1 pound per week, which is a healthy amount to lose to sustain weight loss over time, you decrease your intake of calories by 500.  Or if you started exercising, you would aim to work off 500 calories or do a combination of eating less calories and exercising to equal 500 calories. This combined effort would be ideal.

Google or go to http://www.myfitnesspal.com/tools/bmr-calculator to calculate your BMR.
I'm 5'8,  145 lbs, 34 years old, female.  My BMR is 1,406 calories per day.  Remember that this is the amount of calories needed to do nothing; not even sit. So I add roughly 1000 calories a day just for sitting for 16 hours.  There is a very technical way of measuring how many calories needed each day that factors in your calories burned, but that takes special, bothersome equipment.  So I'll low ball it and just add 1000.

I then divide that by three (three meals in a day, although I'm a snacker and a two-breakfast eater and cookies, oh the cookies!!)
2,406/3= 802 calories per meal.  But then I'm going to subtract for snacks. And cookies. So maybe 500 calories per meal.  yikes! 906 for the remainder second breakfast/snacks/cookies.  I like this because it means that no foods are off limits, just rearrange so that I'm totaling 2400 for the day.

Thank God I exercise most days! I can add on some calories. and I do. always.
Here's a chart that shows how many calories are burned in one hour of certain types of exercises.  I think we Americans need to dig deep down to our British roots and take up Squash and golfing without trolleys.  




Here's another chart that shows how many calories are in each food.  I have reviewed it several times and am always surprised by some of the things that I eat regularly and could easily substitute for something with less calories but similar flavors.

http://whatscookingamerica.net/NutritionalChart.htm

My Fitness Pal is an excellent tracker on a mobile device to help keep track.

If you want to get real technical, you can calculate your target heart rate and wear a monitor during exrecise for optimal calories and fat burning ranges.  Aim for at least 40 min of exercise > 5 days / week.

Yay! Let's get healthy!

Christmas time is here

2nd Annual Post-Thanksgiving Moab Trip

Although it was not the same or nearly as fun without the Gillettes, we still made the trek down to Moab. We had to escape the inversion and work off all the delicious Thanksgiving pounds that we acquired the day before up in Eden. (Yes, the turkey was covered in prosciutto.  And, we decided not to count the total number of sticks of butter used in the meal for our own sanity.) We brought Willie who was a complete delight. We did all BLM land instead of Arches and Canyonland hikes so he could come too. We did Negro Bill, Portage Overlook, and Jewel Tibbetts Arch. All beautiful! 

Austin

Everyone loves Holiday Starbucks. (don't worry, it was empty.)

Eddie was so gracious to gift me with a ticket to Austin for my birthday. Since he had to work, just Shepherd and I headed down for four days of reconnection with my girlfriends. It was so good for my soul to be around friends who know and love me well. With my four of my best girl friends in Salt Lake moving away this past summer and being a stay at home mom, I have been a bit lonely and needing a recharge on the friend front.  So I got to stay w my dear, loyal friend Ruth. Got to see Broz and the Cuddler just before Callie came, Kristin and Roast Beef and their boys, Jane Dawg, the Otts and Griffins. And another faithful, loyal bestie: Tiffany. The next day we got to meet Ira of the Brent and Martina clan. And hang w Kristin for some real time. For dinner we got to meet up with Tiffany, Sara, and Sushwan for some Tex-Mex. I am so thankful to reconnect with these faithful friends. Wednesday we had brunch with La and B. Callendar and Jamie. Then took a walk around Town Lake while Shep napped. Then we got to squeeze the beautiful Janine.  Next was meeting up with the Padgetts and being shocked at how big the kids are! Then back at Ruth's, we got to meet Connor and Slams. And a surprise visit by Julie Gosh and her boys. And to end the evening: lots of giggling with Ruth. Finally on Thursday, we went over to the Hardings to hang with my Kholmes and kids. And then got to hang w Candice before flying out. Wow! I never knew I had so many close-to-my-heart friends and I didn't even get to see them all while in Austin! I'm am so thankful, blessed, filled up.

Tiffany and me at El Chile

Jamie, La, and B. Callendar having a grand ole time

This (minus 5 years) is when I realized I really liked Eddie.  He has beaten me every Thanksgiving  race starting at this Turkey Trot in 2008. By a step. Sometimes I let him.

Janine!

A real Texas boy- loving his hot sauce and BBQ.